As I grow up...

["It is never too late to be what you might have been."  George Elliot ]

As a child, we all have played many roles as we pretended to be this or that. I can remember playing house, school, doctors and nurses and cowboys and indians! Now, I am all grown up and have a real family of my own. WOW! Where has the time gone?

I am currently not working although I have a BA in Psychology and a Masters in Elementary Education. My education goals have changed frequently and drastically over the years as I have tried to make something of myself. It has always been important to me contribute and have my own self worth.

Along this way of self-development, I have had the opportunity to be in the FBI three different times. The first time as a junior in college--field agent. The second and third time came after having all 4 of my children...to be a profiler and then an Expert Explosive Ordinance Trainer. These things would have given me that sense of self-worth that I was looking for...my contribution...being who I felt I was supposed to be. But, there always seemed to be a problem...some interference that always seemed to rain on my parade just before I launched down the main street of town wearing my badge of "THIS IS WHO I AM"....
What rotten luck! Would I ever be able to get things together and do what I needed to do??

Well, there is a right way to do something and a wrong way to do something. In Matthew 25:1-13, we see that 5 bridesmaids did it right and 5 did not. The confusion in my life wasn't that things kept interfering, it was that "I" kept interfering. As a human being, I sometimes get stuck on the fact that it's not about me! I forget...I get distracted...I become deceived. The reason my grand and glorious plans of being in the FBI didn't come to fruition is because that is what "I" wanted...to prove that "I" could it...to show people what "I" could do. My purpose in this world IS NOT ABOUT ME. Now, the elephant's in the room...isn't that an eye-opener...our lives are not about us!

The Lord knew that should I be in the FBI, that I possibly...probably...would not live for Him. He created me with a specific purpose in mind (Jeremiah 29:11). He knew me while I was still in my mom's womb as He knit me together for His own purposes (Jeremiah 1:5). God also knew that I struggle with "I don't need anyone...not even God!" I don't consciously think that, but my actions eventually say that. We pray for things and feel like God doesn't listen or answer...how thankful I am that God 'didn't answer' my prayer...that He SAID NO to my future with the FBI. See, God always knows best and He always hears the cries of His children and He always answers our prayers (Psalm 28:6-7; Psalm 34:4)...just sometimes, we don't like the answer.

The problem with my life was that I was trying to do with it as "I" wanted rather than seeking God and His will for my life. Moreover, it is through my weakness that God's strength and glory are made known (2 Cor 12:9-10) It was never about what "I" wanted for my life; it is about what God wants for my life. I do not need to prove anything to others; I do not need to earn my self-worth; I do not need to feel worthless if I'm not working an outside job. First and foremost, God is the Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End (Rev 1:8). God is my grace, joy, self-confidence, self-worth, peace...He is my everything (Eph 2:8)! When I surrender to Him and seek His face, I have everything I could need or want and this world can not take it away from me.

Funny thing...I've always worked with kids, always been around kids and now I have 4 of my own. God gave me 4 beautiful children--which I am thoroughly glad of, and one of my most important duties is to them...to raise them to fear the Lord, to do what is best for them...to love them and be a Godly example before them. That is one of my legacies. However, I've always wanted a career away from kids, for example, the FBI. Another dream of mine was to work in the hospital...I did as an Ophthalmological Technician. God granted me this 'heart's desire'. I loved doing surgery; I love the newness of it everyday! God allowed me to do this for 'a season'. Then, He let me know that while that was what I wanted, it wasn't what He wanted...and it was time for me to move on. This was difficult for me. It broke my heart to realize I had to give it up...especially as I made very good money and my supervisors were trying to pay for and provide proper certification and accreditation  for me in my field. Still...there was that quiet voice reminding me that my 'season' was over. The question hung...'what am I going to be then??!'

That's when God directed me to get my masters in elementary education. Again, kids. It seems like I've tried to get away from them all my life just to be rerouted to them all over again. *Big sigh!!* I joined an accelerated program and finished in a year and a half...developed a significant health issue that required several surgeries during my schooling and still managed to pull a 4.0 GPA and then won Student of the Year.
None of this was my own achievement...it was God's glory and strength through my weakness. He carried me through when I couldn't make it on my own. As a matter of fact, it truly became clear that even at my best, I could not do it ON MY OWN. I need God. I need Him to lead, guide and direct me in every area of my life. He is the reason I have self-confidence, self-worth, joy, peace...HE ALONE gives me these things.
Doing what he designed me to do is walking in my destiny and fulfilling my purpose for being in this world. Obedience is better than sacrifice...and it is time that I stop running from and start walking in that destiny. The kicker is, is that I wasn't even aware that I was running...but as we draw closer to God, the scales will begin to fall from our eyes and the still, quiet voice that speaks to us will become clearer and clearer.

When I grow up, I want to be what God wants me to be...I want to be annointed in what I do...make an impact for the Kingdom of God. When we seek first the Kingdom of God, the rest shall be added unto us (Matthew 6:33). I want to be pleasing unto God not only when I grow up....but ASI grow up.

Be encouraged in your self-worth, joy and peace...you are God's masterpiece and He delights in you.